Be The Man You Want To Marry

 

“‘Become the man you want to marry.’ I’ve taken that on. What qualities do I find attractive, and can I find them in myself? What am I missing? Can I be that for myself?” –  Michelle Williams (actress), 2009

This blog was born out of two things: Michelle Williams’s quote above and an IM with a friend of mine. His name has been changed but not the message.

John Doe says:

quit that blog

John Doe says:

its causing me relationship headaches

 John Doe says:

that part of ghana men not wooing their women

John Doe says:

i was made to read that

John Doe says:

the way i then i won call and blast u

Boakyewaa says:

guys keep saying that to me

John Doe says:

well can u write one for us

Boakyewaa says:

some guy texted me that his girl made him read the ‘guys and their friends’ or something blog, abt guys having feelings for ‘best friends’

John Doe says:

yeah chale

 John Doe says:

ive read like 3

Boakyewaa says:

another guy called me about another blog

John Doe says:

My girl is on that thing 24/7

Boakyewaa says:

and one guy just sent me a text last nite about the bad boys one

John Doe says:

your killing me

Boakyewaa says:

sorry man….

John Doe says:

somehow u dont seem too bothered with the outcry

John Doe says:

u probably enjoy it

Boakyewaa says:

i am not too bothered, cos i do ask guys for ideas and topics and no one gives me any… so if u think of an idea, let me know.. if not, then i carry on as i do now.. lolololol

John Doe says:

we will warn our chicks to stop reading your blog

John Doe says:

gonna put it on my facebook status

 Boakyewaa says:

hahahahahahahaha

Boakyewaa says:

u’re supposed to encourage them to go read!

Boakyewaa says:

come on, i need people to keep reading

John Doe says:

listen i was minding my business

John Doe says:

got a call

John Doe says:

did you read what boakyewaa wrote

John Doe says:

my first answer was wtf?

John Doe says:

next i got a link

John Doe says:

if u need people to start reading

John Doe says:

then get a guy following too

John Doe says:

write about how ghana women are too stiff

John Doe says:

and need to allow their men some space

John Doe says:

and time to hang with the fellas and be men

John Doe says:

how times have changed and women can also woo men!!

John Doe says:

hows that for ideas?

Boakyewaa says:

awesome, love it!

John Doe says:

u do?

John Doe says:

i actually contributed?

Boakyewaa says:

yes, i’m not lying

Boakyewaa says:

check out next week’s blog.. definitely using your idea

John Doe says:

i just need men across the world to know i have been affected by the male bashing blogs and i cooked up these ideas

Boakyewaa says:

done deal……

 

So my dear women, you’ve heard one guys’s opinion. Of course, I don’t regard this as a male bashing feminist blog. I want both guys and girls to get something from this blog. I want us to learn from each other. Considering I’m female, my opinions may come across as a little biased, but I’m not biased, honestly. Most of my girlfriends know I am pretty hard on women. I don’t give anyone a pass just because of gender. I do want women to be a little stronger and a little more assertive. I feel it is much easier for us to lose our way, and sometimes we need examples of women who are like us who’ve made the difficult decisions and can share them with us. So if this blog comes across as feminist it really isn’t. Its simply a forum for sharing life and love experiences.

But for today, I do want to say a few things to my dear sisters and then I’ll open the ‘floor’ up.

You’re not perfect: It may be a little hard to accept, but you’re not perfect. Women need to have self-confidence, we’re beaten down enough. So be confident, love who you are, love your strength, but acknowledge, especially to yourself that you’re not perfect. Do deep self-evaluation, understand your flaws and work on them. And in any relationship, don’t pretend you’re blemish free. Don’t pretend all the problems in your relationship are his fault. Self-awareness is important, dears. Without that, we’re just full of talk.

You’re not superwoman: I love Alicia Keys’ song and video ‘Superwoman.’ It’s liberating, but Alicia also just released another song, ‘Doesn’t mean anything.’ One of my favorite lines in the song is ‘seems I had it all
but it doesn’t mean anything since you’re gone.’ Sure, you can do it all if you really want to, but a little help doesn’t hurt. Give your man room to help you, and acknowledge whatever little he does. Definitely, you can work, cook, clean and take care of the kids without breaking a sweat and it takes him forever to even vacuum the stairs. But don’t continuously beat him down. We’re made differently; berating him won’t help or change him into Superman.

Have some self-esteem: A lot of what happens to women that we end up blaming on men stems from a deep lack of self-esteem and self-confidence. Stop blaming a man for treating you wrong, for cheating, for walking all over you, for not being there. You’re partly to blame. Ghandi once said, ‘no one can hurt me without my permission.’ Stop giving guys permission to hurt you. Wake up and grow a pair.

Woo’ing can be a partnership: Like John Doe said, its 2009; don’t be a passive girlfriend who always wants and needs this or that but doesn’t give. Guys these days feel stressed. It seems some of them feel mandated to come through for you. What do you do for them in return? Like we said on the woo’ing blog, if you like a guy, show it. It ain’t cute to play games. No need to be a ‘bad girl’ but be yourself and show how you feel with words and actions.

Be the man you want to marry: Simple. Life and love is about support and partnership. It’s also about complementing each other, and opposites attract. But when I say ‘be the man you want to marry’ doesn’t mean be EXACTLY like him in looks or interests, and stuff like that. But the qualities you admire, such as hardworking, clean, accomplished, religious, well-built, etc, work on those qualities for yourself.

Let’s remember, men don’t talk much. But just because they’re silent doesn’t mean they don’t have anything to say. Likewise, just because you’re the one doing all the complaining and whining doesn’t mean he has no complaints of his own. Let’s just zip it and listen, just this week. Let’s dub this week ‘complain-free’ week and just listen. Who knows what we might hear?

“Be the change you want to see.” – Mahatma Gandhi, 1869 – 1948