The Green Hornet

I’ve had a really horrible day today. It’s just been one of those days that hasn’t worked. You really don’t need to go in to work to hate Mondays. By 5pm, I desperately needed to go watch a movie but I couldn’t decide between Black Swan and The Green Hornet. I opted for the Green Hornet because I wanted something funny, light and easy. To add Black Swan, a psycho-thriller to my bad day would surely force me into some type of emotional meltdown. I couldn’t risk it. Out of the 7 items on my to-do list for today, I could only check off 3. I felt like a complete failure. So to pile on Nina (Natalie Portman)’s insecurities and sense of failure would just heighten my own issues so I chose The Green Hornet a movie rated 40% on rotten tomatoes to Black Swan, a movie rated 88%. In hindsight, too much silliness can be worse than an emotional roller coaster.

Here’s the movie synopsis.

The hard-partying son of L.A.’s most powerful media magnate realizes his true calling as a crime-fighting vigilante after his father perishes under suspicious circumstances in this big-screen adaptation of the popular radio serial, comic book, film, and television series originated by Lone Ranger creators Fran Striker and George W. Trendle. James Reid (Tom Wilkinson) single-handedly built a media empire, but unfortunately his industrious genes weren’t passed down to his son, Britt (Seth Rogen). Irresponsible, slovenly, and frequently inebriated, Britt is shaken out of his drunken stupor upon receiving word that his father has died. Shortly after Britt learns that he has inherited the family business, he forges an unlikely alliance with Kato (Jay Chou), one of his father’s star employees, and together the pair hatch a plan to pose as villains in order to get close to the city’s most high-powered criminals.

The synopsis sounds interesting, and if you’ve seen the trailers, then you get the impression that it’s funny too. Not so much. The Green Hornet is stupid beyond words. For the last fifteen minutes, I sat there dumbfounded by the tomfoolery I was watching. The level of idiocy was just beyond me. The sad part is for the first hour, the movie wasn’t bad. It was doing exactly what I wanted, making me laugh and slowly erasing my whole blasted day. Then all of a sudden the movie just sunk into brazen stupidity and I felt so insulted, I was really struggling to hold myself back.

Anyways,, let me talk about the first hour.

The movie starts fairly as expected, not much of a fantastic story, but relatively funny and somewhat entertaining, mainly because it was actually shot in 3-D. So this wasn’t the type of movie that is 2D and has only a few 3-D moments thanks to some random flying objects. This was actual 3-D from beginning to end. It was beautifully shot and looks really good in 3-D. The characters aren’t plastered on the screen like paper characters; they feel real; like living breathing characters. Even the buildings and other inanimate objects appeared so lifelike and darn real. I felt I could reach out and touch a frigging flower. One of the best true 3-D movies I’ve seen in a while. This is what 3-D should look like so kudos to the producers and the director for that.

Britt (Seth Rogen)’s character is also sort of funny – except that he raises his voice too much. He must have had a sore throat at the end of shooting the movie. I’ve noticed that about Seth Rogen – he needs to bring his voice down a notch, because it can be a little irritating. His sidekick Kato (Jay Chou) was fantastic and he had some of the best lines and the best delivery. He says the most random things with a completely straight face. I loved him and I hope I get to see him in more movies. Lenore (Cameron Diaz’s character) was the most useless character of them all – bad casting decision. She was completely inappropriate for this role and definitely not fully immersed in her character. She seemed as disinterested as I was – and to be honest, Cameron looked rather old, and not hot. I didn’t get why both Britt and Kato were falling all over her. It just wasn’t believable. I assume Cameron took this role because she thought she would be like Gwyneth Paltrow’s Pepper Potts, but Green Hornet isn’t Iron Man. It didn’t work at all.

The gadgets in this movie were also cool, super cool. I think Batman could use Kato’s auto tricks for his Bat-mobile. Talk about pimp my ride. Kato literally built a car/weapon called the Black Beauty and it was a thing of pure genius which is another reason why I think Kato deserves more recognition than he got in the movie. He did the heavy lifting, he built the gadgets and he kicked ass. Interesting note – Bruce Lee played Kato in the original TV series.

Unfortunately, 3-D, Kato and gadgets can’t save this movie. The Green Hornet is so unrealistic with gigantic holes that I just couldn’t deal with it. Fine, I know, it’s a superhero flick. It’s meant to be unrealistic, but not to this level. And the absurdity took a ridiculous turn the last fifteen minutes. Why do they always do that? If it wasn’t for the last fifteen minutes I would have walked away thinking – well it was aight, not too bad. I can’t begin to tell you about how bad the last fifteen minutes. The movie went from just fun silly action scenes to completely absurd, ridiculous and highly unrealistic action. It seemed the director just screamed, “Alright, let’s throw sense out the window and go for it!” It was a senseless jump that wasn’t needed and didn’t make sense. It just dragged the whole movie down Alice’s rabbit hole to la-la land and they didn’t crawl out after that. I mean unless you’re stung by a bee or born on Krypton I don’t get how any of that is possible. Human superheroes rely on gadgets instead of genes – that is fine, but even gadgets have limits. They’re not flying saucers. I mean a car sawn in half and still running around like it only lost its back bumper? Ridic.

So in sum – I wanted easy silliness, but I got mind-blowing stupidity, because of the ill-advised last fifteen minutes! To make myself feel better, I decided to treat myself at PF Chang’s. I’ve never eaten there before and it’s one of the busiest restaurants in my neighborhood. Unfortunately, the food sucked bad. Fantastic – gotta love Mondays.  

Today was however not a total loss. I came home, turned on the TV and watched House which was definitely the best decision I made all day. The crazy doctor drugged and sedated Cuddy (his girlfriend)’s mother and Wilson (his bestfriend) during dinner. It was hilarious. God, I almost died laughing. He drugged his girlfriend’s mother and knocked her out! That guy is insane. And then seconds later, Wilson’s head dropped onto the table! I think I was completely on the floor by that time. House has balls! Later, he and Cuddy are seen quietly and calmly washing dishes and smiling, while Wilson and Cuddy’s mom are sitting/lying unconscious in their seats! Sorry if you don’t get, but it was pure House and it was hilarious! I loved it. Who needs The Green Hornet huh? I have a better GH – Gregory House.

The Green Hornet – grade C.

TV Snippets

I had high expectations for The Cape, but so far, it hasn’t fully grabbed my attention. I need more action – real action, not silly Cape bs. My biggest gripe is it’s the type of show where you know for the series to survive, The Cape is not getting the villain anytime soon, which means he will not return to his family anytime soon. I don’t like shows where once the lead character accomplishes the goal he sets out to achieve the show is over. It’s like Prison Break – how many times can Michael break Linc out of jail? The Cape’s goal is to clear his name and return to his family. So you know once that is done, the series is over. I hate that. I have to watch him suffer for how many years?

Off the Map doesn’t seem too bad, although I am not sure about the characters. I haven’t connected to either one of them yet and I am suspecting it will be another sappy Shonda Rimes melodrama. Speaking of Shonda Rimes, I watched Grey’s Anatomy for the first time in months, and Torres announces that she’s pregnant with Mark Sloan’s baby? I swear, Grey’s should be moved to 3pm and called daytime soap. Doesn’t that show remind anyone of Bold and Beautiful?