PART ONE: OFFICIAL BUT UNDERG
I’ve been meaning to write this post forever! Each time, I’m ‘inspired’ to write it, I hold back because I don’t want anyone to think I’m writing about them – particularly since my urge to write it is preceded by a conversation with an ‘UnderG’ person. Okay, so what am I going on about?
There are various forms of UnderG but I’m narrowing down on two main types.
- You’re in an official relationship, as in you’re legitimately dating someone, titles have been assigned and all, but you don’t want a soul to know about it. This covers both boyfriend/girlfriend relationships as well as engagement and marriage (yup, people sometimes hide the fact that they’re married)
- You’re messing around or hooking up with someone on a consistent basis but no titles have been assigned and you don’t want a soul to know about it, not even your siblings or bestfriends.
Today’s post is on the first and next week’s post will be on the second.
I DON’T GET IT IF YOU’RE IN AN OFFICIAL RELATIONSHIP AND YOU MAKE DELIBERATE AND CONCERTED EFFORTS TO HIDE IT, OR WORSE YOU GET UPSET WHEN PEOPLE FIND OUT! Sorry about the caps, but I truly, honestly don’t get it. Check out the statements below. I’ve heard them so many times that I think there is an epidemic of UnderG penetrating honest relationships.
B: Hey what’s up? Long time.
A: Yeah long time oh. I dey.
B: Cool, man. I dey too. Same ole, same ole. I heard you’re with ABC. Congratulations man, he’s a cool guy.
A: Ei, who told you? Hmm, Ghana people.
B: Why, isn’t it true? I mean the person who told me didn’t make it sound like it was some secret or something.
A: We’re not telling anyone right now. We just want to keep it quiet.
B: But he’s your boyfriend? As in, it’s not like you’re just hanging out or something?
A: Oh yeah, we’re together but we don’t people to know that’s all. So please don’t tell anyone else okay.
B: Hey bro, did you get my email? I really need your input.
S: Yeah, that’s why I came online. I’ll send the info soon okay.
B: I know you’re busy with XYZ but I beg, I need to get it done.
S: Hahahhaa, wow, who told you that one?
B: I just heard, can’t remember who. So is it like relationship, relationship, or you’re in the getting to know each other phase?
S: Why, what did you hear?
B: Nothing much, just that you two are together. Is it true?
S: B, come on, you’re holding back info. Who told you? What did you hear?
B: Oh, for real, that’s all. Just that S is dating XYZ, simple. No other info. And you know me, I’ll ask rather than speculate. Spill the beans, bro.
S: I will if you tell me what you heard.
B: Geez! I’m serious. That’s all. I’m not playing. What’s the issue? I mean it’s either you’re with her or you’re not.
(After five more minutes of back and forth)
S: Yeah, we’re together.
B: Boyfriend, girlfriend?
S: Yup, but we’re not really talking about it.
B: Not you too. Char, that thing irritates me pass. Seriously. I mean, what’s the logic? She’s your girl and it’s me asking and you can’t give me simple yes or no? This one too is on the DL? I don’t get it when people do that koraa.
S: I’m just private.
B: Dude, I’m asking you if XYZ is your girlfriend, that’s yes or no. Privacy is HIV status, relationship status shouldn’t be kept hidden like the Da Vinci code. Geez. So annoying.
The two convos above are just a sample of the multiple convos I’ve had with people reacting in the most unusual ways to the unveiling of their ‘official’ relationships. It’s mind-boggling. One friend of mine proposed to his girl of 3 years with a ring and then went home to Ghana and did knocking. So I heard he was engaged and I sent him a congratulations text, accompanied with how come you didn’t tell me you were engaged and his immediate reaction was to try and dig out who told me. Why can’t the response be, yeah thanks menn, I did it oh. Why the concerted effort to find out how the info leaked? I mean come on, you’re practically engaged!
Then today, I had another conversation with a friend that made me decide I have to blog about this and get broader input. Check this out (actual MSN Live convo, and yes the cyber shorthand has been left unedited on purpose).
So X is engaged
Finally – to his long time chick?
Yeah, but he’s keeping it quiet, it’s on the down low
Ah God, I find that so lame, so frigging lame man. Engagement too down low?
Why, I actually like that. If your man proposed to you, would you put it on facebook
I didn’t say he shd put it on facebook, ah ba. I’d tell my friends and family but i would never say – hey pple pls keep it quiet
like I won’t put it on blast, but I’m not gonna deliberately ask people to keep it quiet. if someone writes on my wall and says ei I’ve heard, congrats, i’ll reply and say thanks oh. u get me?
maybe its a guy thing; cause i wouldn’t talk about it, girls are the ones who wanna tell the world
its the ones who try so hard to keep it quiet that i find lame.. engagement is a good thing, its a beautiful thing; u cheapen the experience when u wanna hide it, and pretend and even outright lie, or force friends to keep it quiet
maybe its a female male thing, cause i was with him on that
its a ghana thing
no its not; my white friend didnt tell anyone either when he proposed to his chick
its a ghana man thing
i disagree; i think its a personal thing
oh i disagree with u… white men dont go to lengths to keep it quiet like ghana men do; a white guy wont be upset that his girl has told, a ghana guy can actually be upset
no one said he would be upset; he just said he proposed and wants to keep it quiet until the real engagement
i’m talking abt the deliberate efforts to keep it quiet, thats what i mean
thats a guy thing; I would do the same thing
anyways, lets just disagree here, it shd be a blog topic….
go find out what people think, 80% of guys will agree with me, 40% of girls will agree with you, blog it
ok, i will do a poll
girls vs boys, yup, i’m writing this blog tonight
and let them know you wanna know cause your friend nana thinks all guys will wanna keep it quiet, and you think girls wanna let it out, this is war
more guys make DELIBERATE efforts to keep it quiet – its the ‘deliberate’ part of the whole equation that irks me; LAME!
Yawa; its a girl thing i tell ya
yawa? aight – its on…. i’ll alert you when the blog is posted!
So after that convo, my reaction is to heck with it. Sorry if you think I’m referring to you. There are so many UnderGs out there that you can’t insist this is about you.
Before we vote, let me summarize. UnderG breeds cheating, that’s just my opinion. You set the tone for secrecy. And if you’re afraid of what people will say about your relationship then you don’t have enough faith and trust in your decision. Then you’re really not prepared for the relationship. I know people will say they don’t want people in their business, and they just don’t want to share, but we’re making things that are beautiful and natural more complicated and tedious. You’re creating more speculation and gossip when you make such efforts to keep it all under wraps. I’m not advocating share intimate details about your relationship, or discuss the ins and out of coupledom with all mankind. Simple relationship status isn’t social security number or bank account balance. ‘Do you have a girlfriend or are you engaged’ shouldn’t garner the reactions and third-degree questioning it currently does. I hate to take it there, but if you can’t openly acknowledge your girlfriend, or fiancé then you’re like Peter who denied Jesus three times! Hehehhee, let the arguments begin. But honestly, don’t misunderstand me. I am not advocating for public announcements, I am just saying concerted efforts to keep official relationships quiet are lame! Full stop.
Now, please vote below and post your comments. I really want to know what you think.